PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
