Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
