paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
