Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
