I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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