It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize