literally had 100 drinks last night.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
