I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
