Only a mothe r could love this liver
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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