I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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