Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
