my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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