Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
