if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
