I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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