I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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