I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
