Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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