Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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