Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When did we convert life to cartoon?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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