when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
