he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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