ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
