when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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