I'm lost and stupid without you.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Found the puke drawer
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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