I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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