How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
He did a backflip because drugs
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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