Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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