Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
