i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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