don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
im holly from the hills drunk
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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