hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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