I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
