I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Did I show you my penis last night?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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