she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
