shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
