I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Randomize
