I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
