the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
