I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
