If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
