i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
