Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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