Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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