i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
