guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
