i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
