The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
