Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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