my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
