just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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