I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
