Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
