I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
