u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
