Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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