She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
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I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
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dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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