you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
